I was attacked by a vicious gang of raccoons

This post is more than 3 years old.

I was sitting on my back porch, typing up notes from tonight's first orientation session for the Wayne County Time Bank, when I saw a black furry thing approaching fast from the left flank. I thought it was a cat at first because a cat had approached from the same vector just 10 minutes earlier. But then I noticed that this cat was not a normal cat, but a piebald creature with a huge arching back and a long pointy snout. And then I noticed that it was not a cat at all, but a killer raccoon.

Okay, I didn't have any proof that it was a *killer* raccoon, but you can't assume anything these days. And then I noticed that the killer raccoon had a small cat following it. And then I noticed that the small cat wasn't a cat at all, but a junior member of this roving gang of murderous raccoons. So I did what anyone surrounded by a gang of murderous raccoons would do: I emitted a high pitched anti-raccoon noise, interspersed with lower-pitched sounds that could have been heard as approximating English phrases like "please don't kill me" and "oh no, oh no, oh no."

These sounds had exactly the desired effect - shock and awe. The leader of the pair --er, gang retreated to a tactical position approximately 7 feet to my 2 o'clock, while the junior member lost geo-spatial orientation and proceed to scurry underneath my seat in an oval shape, about 2-3 iterations worth. This increased the pitch and intensity of my screams--er, warnings further, as the prospect of having a gang member sharing the same vertical airspace was not pleasing. When the leader realized that I had strategically separated them, it reversed its retreat and made attempts to reconnect with the rest of its team. I further increased the intensity of my firm imperatives to "git" and they eventually made a full retreat.

I realize that some of you might wonder how I can blog about this experience so soon after it happened without just completely breaking down, but I know it's my duty to share my bold example with others, so that they may be inspired by it.

6 thoughts on “I was attacked by a vicious gang of raccoons

  1. Dude. My kid and I were just trying to cross your yard, which needs mowing by the way. What the hell is wrong with you?

  2. OMG! I'm so glad you made it through unscathed. I think you may need at arm yourself... Next time they may be zombie 'coons...

  3. ok they are viciios smart 1... they were just passin ur yard... faaaiillll even these stories about coons killing cats, its cuze we feed the poor buggers and they get more confedent so they thrive. people r idiots

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